What a beautiful month it is when winter is at peak everything feels so nice and warm , food tastes better than it use to be and as a child I loved this month because drum roll please its my BIRTHDAY MONTH so you understand my hype for this month. As a child I always was the one different bossy rebellious kid with strong opinion and with that attitude the word NO kind a irked me. I loved myself very much even when I knew I was looking not good my confident was something very different till this day I do not understand how god made me so weird and different with this level of attitude and self obsession. My lucky guess should have been to teach me a lesson about life, to prove me wrong and for my journey of self discovery.
26 January,2021 my mom's birthday. I love my mom very much she is my teacher for life but I hate this day I might hate that day for life. My 21 year old self is sitting on bed trying to study for her Chartered Accountant exams on the 1 day gap which is provided to her. She is filled with rage ,with deep slits in her wrists ,with mind full of anger ruined self esteem ,a bitter sense of failure , a taste of losing herself ,with heart full of agony and wanting revenge. She was struggling because life was not rewarding her as it use to be in her childhood , she was struggling because apart from failure insecurities were killing her. She use to be confident but she was sitting with a pen in her hand and doodling something a day before her 4th attempt towards clearing this exam but her mind wanted to clear life about validation and self esteem.
It takes me back to how she developed as a child seeking and craving validation. 30 January, 1999 at 10:40 pm a second child was born in a middle class family with father not wanting to have a girl child and with her relatives telling her how her father did not like her birth and blamed her mom for having another girl child. Relatives in India to be honest in any country can ruin and scar your childhood which mine did by saying "When you were born your father did not even bought a napkin to wrap your newborn body and did not even saw your face for days." So one can imagine I developed as a child with daddy issues seeking approval and validation from him for which I tried to project myself as a boy for him for many many years by killing my desires and my nature. My mom started working after giving birth to me in 1 month only so as child that gave me abandonment issues. The reason why I am writing this is because our childhood memories and scars define who we are or who we are going to be as a person. So mark my words like validation and abandonment issues.
I was so angry that day if I could define clearly my soul was on fire I was realizing my worst fears were getting true. My life was going to change. He called my name on the road probably the last time he called my name with that love and affection. We are walking my anger is rising and I knew in next few hours I was going to burst in flames.
Sometimes people say terrible things when they are scared. They don't mean to, but they can't help it. They lash out because if they can see that their words hurt someone else, it makes them feel as if they are not completely powerless. When you love someone you love them in your mind, you create this mental picture of them. You imagine and create scenarios , you create a new different person in your mind and that person takes the place of real person standing in front of you. Your mind knows its an illusion your mind knows and wants you to get back to reality but you still cling on to that unrealistic person as you claim you love that image of theirs.