Being awake at 5 am is for the birds..... literally, as I sit here and listen to James’ rooster squawk. He thought it was hilarious. Damn rooster waking me up every morning. A rooster I not so affectionately named El Diablo. I am not a morning person at all. James was the morning person. Today is five years and six months since he left and didn’t come back. Since that knock on the door. Since everything in my life changed forever. At the time it was all a blur. The funeral, the people saying I am sorry every five minutes, the rage I felt, the hole somewhere between my chest and stomach. Five and a half years later I have healed to the best of my ability. To the best of anyone’s ability. One minute at a time sometimes.

　　My usual morning routine is to sulk for awhile and then drag myself out of bed. Today I am skipping the sulk and jumping into a hot bath. Great way to start the day. Soak my sore muscles and start the day relaxed and clean. Not that it will last since this house isn’t going to repair itself. James and I had bought it a few months before his accident. A beautiful ranch style house on 100 acres of land. The house needs work and we had a plan. A beautiful plan..... can’t get stuck thinking like that. Mark will be here soon and we will have to start the day.

　　Like every morning, Mark arrived at 7 am sharp. I had the usual ready for him. 3 eggs, black coffee, whole wheat toast, and what seems like a half a pound of thick cut bacon. Mark had been James’ best friend. Our friend. After James died Mark and I had formed a bond I guess through our grief. He quickly became my best friend. Funny because when James was alive I was quite annoyed by Marks jokes and the way he never seemed to be serious about anything. When James died I saw a large part of that grin and laugh go with him. He is still a goofball, but he also seems quiet and stern. He and James were such opposites. Even their looks were quite contrast. James was a blonde and had beautiful deep brown eyes. Mark is tall and broad with dark hair and very strangely clear blue eyes that almost have a grey color. Truth be told he is gorgeous. As was James. Mark is my right hand man though. I cannot think like that about him. He is just too much a part of my life and I couldn’t stand to lose him. Although I probably wouldn’t tell him that, or at least not exactly in those worlds. It is hard to look at a man that looks like he does though and not feel a little something. Of course the way he is shoveling food in his mouth right now is helping stifle that.

　　As Mark ate breakfast he turned to me and said, “ great as usual, and if it weren’t for you I’d weigh about 20 lbs less.” All I could think was well the 20lbs ain’t hurting darling but of course I’d say something much more appropriate. “ I think I may have to start charging you Mark.” His face changed to annoyed very quickly. “You’re eating a half pound of bacon a day dude!” This softened him and he chuckled. “Well Lil A, it’s about time we get started today.” I groaned at the thought. We’re currently working on repairing the beautiful staircase and it is not easy work. Mark does most of it and I seem to assist and hand tools over. Still, it’s hard work. Again he laughed and drug me through the house to the staircase from hell. It seemed that it was mostly in good condition except the top few stairs. They seemed to be rotted or maybe just that old. We were so close to being done.

　　The day went about as expected. That is until the “incident.” Just as we were about to finish the top stair I decided to step on it to be able to stand on the landing while Mark worked his carpentry magic. It wasn’t a well thought out idea. Just as I stepped onto the stair it broke and my ankle went through the wood. Not only did I cut myself and start to fall down the stairs but as I did Mark grabbed me and down we went together. I landed on top of him at the bottom of the stairs. At first I was just horrified that I may have hurt us both. But fairly quickly I realized I had this distinct feeling of both comfort and excitement. That was the moment I saw it. It was only there for a few seconds but I did see it. Didn’t I? This look of both concern but also something else. Something more. Was it just me or did he look at me like he wanted me? Maybe I have been alone too long? He started to sit up with me still on top of him and without any strain he picked me up along with him. Once in the sitting position he seemed to be looking for injuries. “Well that was close Lil A. Are you hurt? Did anything break?” He said as he still scanned my body for injuries. “I’m ok Mark, are you ok? I cannot believe I did that, you’re not hurt are you?” I asked feeling kind of self conscious of his eyes looking me up and down. What the hell is wrong with me? I have never really looked at Mark like this before and suddenly I just can’t help but do it. I must have been staring because he suddenly asked me again, “you sure you’re ok? You didn’t hit your head on the way down did you?” I stumbled to my feet shaking my head no. I can’t put words together. He pulled himself off the floor and started to brush me off before I stepped back and look up at him. Looking back at me it seemed like there was a shift in the room as our eyes met. There it is again. He is looking at me like that. Part of me wanted to break the gaze but the other part couldn’t. He stepped forward and I felt my heart jump into action. Away we go. Heart rate is probably at stroke level and it feels........ good. What is he doing. Taking another step forward he reached down and pulled my chin up to better meet his eyes. This is it. He is really going to make a move. Do I want that? Well my body seems to think yes. Good lord it is yes. Just as I thought it I decided maybe I should just meet him halfway and see what happens. So that’s what I did. This man that has been my best friend. The person I most scared to lose in the whole world now. Something made me just put my hand behind his neck and pull him towards me. As soon as our lips met I something shifted as I wrapped my other hand around his neck and sunk into the kiss. He kissed me back like he had been wanting this for awhile. What started out as sweet and gentle quickly turned more passionate. Suddenly he broke the kiss and stuttered,” what was that for? What is happening right now?” My feelings turned very quickly back to reality and those moments leading up to me jerking his head to mine........ “ you cut your forehead Lil A,” he said with a smirk. Oh my God. Oh my God, he was leaning in to check the cut on my forehead. What do I do? Do I run? Do I own it? Act like it isn’t that big of a deal and make a joke........ make a joke...... I can’t. My mind is completely blank. My face right now feels one million degrees. I know I have turned some kind of red. Probably a lovely shade of crimson or blood red. “Lil A?” He said still with a smirk. I have no words. I cannot form words.....

　　I just stared at him for a second and without another word he closed the few feet between us again. This time there was no mistake. This time his intentions were much more clear. He wrapped his large warm arms around my waist and lifted me off the ground. This time the kiss was intense from the first second. I don’t think I have ever been more happy to have been speechless. That moment lasted for what seemed like forever and I was nowhere else. For once I felt something and it was amazing. I didn’t see this coming. His lips left mine but only briefly to glance into my eyes. He seemed to be looking for my permission and he found it, because he smiled and I felt myself smile, then he met my lips again. How does this get better every time? Now I am lost in this and I all I can think about is that I can feel the excitement radiating off his body and I can feel my body remembering this. I have been asleep. Something is awakening. God please, just let this man want me as much as I want him right now. As if he heard my prayer instantly, Mark let go with one hand and then I felt it grab me under my ass and he turned with me and started towards my room. Is this happening? I just keep kissing him, because I can’t make myself stop.