The words 'I feel your pain' has to be one of the biggest lies to ever be told.
The impossibility is incredulous yet people have no qualms in pretending to 'feel your pain'.
How does one feel another's pain? Can you trade body, heart, and mind to experience the very emotion rippling through the veins of someone in that very moment?
Vicky heard those very words repeatedly, when my husband, Dave Benard was lowered six feet below her.
The man she envisaged spending her forever with, during good days and bad, laid lifeless in a coffin.
He looked so peaceful and at ease, without worries about how her world had been thrown into chaos.
She recalled their wedding, exactly 94 days till misery struck.
It was perfect, heaven came to earth to bear witness to their love that day. White was the wedding theme, they both picked the color cause they felt it suit their love life.
He stood at the altar with the biggest grin she had ever seen on his face.
She had teased him earlier about not crying, that she was the one who was meant to cry.
They came to an arrangement that he would smile as hard as he could, and without effort, because that day was going to be the start of the rest of their lives.
It seemed like the mirage of their forever disappeared from her sight as he lay on the ground unmoving.
Leaving her without going through half the journey with her.
How could he be so cruel? How could he leave her without any reason? Questions as such flooded her mind. Dave died with his lovely wife's arm wrapped around him.
He had just made love to her soul and she had slid to sleep with a peaceful content body.
Only to wake up to immerse herself in his warmth to find him lying motionless without breathing.
The tumult that went through her drove her mad. She had screamed to the top of her lungs alerting their neighbors. Her hair had been tugged in unbelief as they reached the hospital, and she was told that he died in the late hours of the night.
How could it be?
Last night she had been on cloud nine and in the morning she woke up in the depths of hell with grief like no other.
The burial had come to an end and she had hoped everyone would go back to their various destinations so she would drown her sorrows in alcohol.
Vicky was not one to drink and Dave had hated the stench of it.
But at that moment, it seemed the perfect remedy to numb her feelings and obliterate the memory of him that kept resurfacing.
It didn't help that her late husband's mother kept giving her demeaning glances. She had always been against their union.
Without a doubt, Dave's mother blamed Vicky, her only consolation for the glances were the words of Dave's father. He assured her that fate had taken Dave away, and he was sure before his last breath, he had looked at his beautiful wife and was filled with thanks for having held her in his arms.
It didn't help ease the pain, it only made her aware of the lonely days ahead of her.
She felt Dave take his last breath and he paused hers, leaving her without air in the atmosphere.
The burial ended and Lucy walked through the steep stairs into her apartment that was once filled with laughter.
She had politely asked to be alone for a few moments to wrap her head around the whole ordeal.
Her parents had offered for her to move in with them but she vehemently declined.
Vicky thought that she had shed all the tears that were left to shed, but no.
She didn't have to try for more tears to stream from her eyes. Memories of them were laced in every corner of the house.
Memories of them kissing, laughing, and arguing, filled every inch of the apartment which had once seemed large. It felt tiny and she was out of breath the moment she collapsed on the couch.
Tear after tear, memory after memory. She could hear his voice in her head like he was right next to her. Images spewed out of her mind and they felt palpable.
She thought of the first day they met. Vicky was never one to give her number to a stranger. If the person was noncompliant, she would always give a fake number and say her phone was switched off.
She wondered if it was the way she noticed how the clouds were shaped beautifully or the way the wind felt soft on her skin that made her oblige to his request.
With time, she realized it was none of those things.
It was Dave, he had a way of making her feel and see things that she never would alone.
She recalled one of their conversations while they were still courting. The moon had disappeared from the night sky leaving a hue of dark clouds. The stars shone so brightly she swore she could see a glint on his face.
"It's the little things about you I fell in love with."
He had said with that cheeky smile that she had grown accustomed to.
"The way you would bite your nails when you get anxious. How you would smile at the phone when your mother's name pops on your screen. How excited you looked to see me after late hours. You have no idea how incredible you are. You just don't. I wish you could see me through my eyes, but then I would not need to tell you. And I love telling you."
He leaned and pressed a kiss to my forehead.
Without giving her room to recover, he continued his love assault on her with his lips still on her forehead and his breath fanning her face.
"The clouds may change their hue and the sky will always remain blue, these things may seem true. But more true is the way I beat each time I see you."
Lucy worked as an editor at The Times Publishing House. For someone who worked with words, he sure did render her speechless a lot of times.
Memories like that kept resurfacing.
She thought of their wedding night, most people say not to put too many expectations on the first time.
But she did, she tried not to, but ended up giving into the thrills of imagining how spectacular their first night would be.
They had both stayed chaste, something about him being old-fashioned and wanting to go through every phase with her patiently.
They kissed and shared a few touches, but nothing too intense. Each moment they kissed didn't feel like the first, it felt like heaven which tasted better every moment their lips touched.
Every touch of their lips felt like she was floating on the promises he would whisper in between the friction that happened between each kiss.
The promises he made about their wedding night were fulfilled beyond her expectations.
Her heart burst from the experience and her legs were left sore. As she recalled those moments, more tears pooled in her eyes.
Nothing could help, not even time she thought.
Time heals all wounds they say, but what if time never passed and she stayed stuck in a loop?
The same time where she had met him and he had marked her as his forever. She belonged to him for eternity, so it didn't matter how much time moved.
She would always be his. Hugging her slender legs to her chest, she heaved breaths trying to calm herself.
She wished the memories would stop, but the more she tried not to think, the more they flooded.
It seemed the waves of her mind were having a raging tumult of tides.
Each wave kept crashing into her, sinking her lower when all she wanted was to breathe on shore.
She was submerged in their memories. The words he said, every kiss, and each promise he whispered felt like her heart was being pulled out of her chest.
How many times did people have to say 'she'll be fine' for her to believe it?
Vicky was a smart girl, never one to take heed to baseless words. Her mind was smart enough not to believe the lie.
Vicky drifted into dreamland, she had no idea when she slept off and was unconscious of all that was happening around her.
In dreamland, she saw him. The reason for her heartache, and the very person who could take the pain away.
He looked dazzling. Dave had the kind of face that you had to look at twice. His lips had an accentuated curve that looked like sin on a dish.
He took strides to her side and stroked her cheek, and she melted.
Emotions so fierce rocked her body that tears flowed from her eyes. Dave leaned in to kiss them away.
Vicky took in a greedy amount of oxygen to engulf his scent, his heavenly scent.
"Don't cry baby," he cooed.
"I'm right here."
Her lips quivered as she said, "You're not, you left."
A heave of breath escaped his lips as she bathed her with his breath on her forehead and kissed her, and spoke against her skin.
"I will always be in your heart, in the memories of us and each promise we ever made."
"The promises you broke," She whispered.
"No, the one that will live forever in your heart."
And with that, he dissipated through thin air and she was back to reality.
She was back on the couch and her tear glands offered a limitless supply of the salty liquid.
The effects of the alcohol she had taken out of spite struck her. Hard.
Crumbling to the floor, she felt the same disarray as the state of the house at that moment.
Looking around, she heaved a shaky breath and her body shook tremulously. Her dream was reminiscent in her mind. Sobs racked her body and tears gave way. It took no effort for more tears to resurface.
Why did he have to go so far beyond her reach?
How could he be at peace in the afterlife, while her heart shattered into tiny pieces?
How much time was needed before she would stop breaking down?
Was time a factor to measure when she would finally be able to breathe, without feeling the air prickle through her skin like a thousand needles?
People are so easy to tell what to do when in pain. Words like 'take heart,' 'don't worry,' 'you'll be alright,' and 'you'll pull through this just fine.'Words like those are all a ruse.
Except for the person feeling it no one understands.
This was the first man to see her for who she was, not the facade that she put up for everyone, even her family.
He knew her for the erratic overthinker she was, he knew that she could mention every quote Jane Austin ever made, but never leaped to make her quotes. He knew her during the little infinity they had shared, and he had loved her wholly.
Their love was not picture perfect as portrayed in movies and books. There were nights when she had wanted space, but all he wanted was to be cramped up next to her.
There were days when he needed her touch and she wasn't there. But they made It work, somehow they found their way around and back to each other.
A union that she had felt unbreakable was taken away. How was she to move on from that?
Was she even supposed to?
The amount of time that passed was oblivious to Vicky, all she could do was stare and wait.
She was waiting for an impossibility that she would never say out loud like her thoughts.
She wanted him to barge in through the door with his worn-out jeans and his smile that made her heart tiptoe. He would tell her it was a huge prank, and she would ban him to the couch forever.
Forever would end the moment his hand held hers.
She would feel him and know it was all a ruse, she would cuddle him in her arms and never let go.
Such thinking was beyond foolish but she had nothing to lose, for there was no bigger fool than she. She had believed in a forever that didn't make it to a year.
She had even written down the names of the kids they would have.
She was sure James and Janet were looking at her from heaven with scorn-filled eyes.
"Who do you think you are that you thought that you would have the very best thing that could ever happen to you last forever," such words they would say.
"Love lasts forever," She would reply confrontationally.
"How come you never did, maybe it wasn't real love."
And that would be their final blow, they would walk away, hand in hand, mocking her for the lack of warmth in her lonely hands.
A warmth that only her husband could bring.
Various scenarios came to her mind and none was pleasant. Each a reminder of the cold days that held no end.
Well, there was an end and Dave had gotten there before her.
Often thoughts of meeting him came to her mind.
But like the fool she was, she lacked the courage to join him with her own hands.
Another part of her wondered if he would even meet her, his soul was too perfect a match.
He would probably be soaring with angels, and she would be left on the ground where she belonged, smeared with darkness. As that was where she belonged.
The pain was not her friend, it was an acquaintance that coiled around her body and wrapped around her in a tight grip. Most people think that physical pain causes more hurt, but it doesn't. Not in her case anyway.
It was the pain that had no outlet, it was stuck inside of her and had no release.
So it stayed recurring, again, and again, and again.
Time flowed seamlessly and she was oblivious to the happenings of her surroundings. Until her best friend set out on a mission to rescue her from herself.
