It’s been imprinted in my mind, that falling in love is easy.

I should have known it was all a lie.

Love can easily be described in books as an emotion that overtakes your body and makes you extremely happy. Depending on the situation, the scale can tip from happy to sad, but it will always bring happiness. It’s the ending, where the characters have it all that really solidifies the essence of love surpassing all odds.

But this isn’t a story of love beating the odds.

It’s a story of what love truly is – a painful emotion that rips your soul out of your body.

I don’t know what’s worse, experiencing the gritty parts of love at a young age or not at all?

Highschool feels like a dark abyss, it feels like your defining moment. We don’t realise that its only a small portion of our lives, who we are in high school doesn’t define us as the years go by. Sure, there are moments and people you continue to keep in contact with but its not forever.

Relationships aren’t forever.

I floated through eighth grade, attempting to figure out where my place stood. It’s a fresh start with new people, you become the babies of the school. Puberty hits slowly, acne appearing and all-too quickly the insecurities settle in. Am I too fat? Am I too dark? Am I ugly? Why can’t I be pretty?

Everyone continues to grow and so does the self-doubt. I spent my entire eight grade attempting to mould myself into this persona of perfection. I wanted guys to notice me, that’s the only time I felt validation. My crushes never noticed me, and each day passed where I grew desperate for attention. Other girls were getting what I desperately craved and nothing I did grabbed their attention.

Until him.

He saw me.

Ninth grade felt like a new beginning. I grew into myself; my features became more prominent and for a moment – I knew my self-worth.

That’s when the new guy arrived.

I’ve never seen anything like him.

The rumours spread; he became an enigma that everyone wanted to decipher. But that’s the thing with mysterious, you shouldn’t delve deeper because the root of the problem is even worse than you could imagine. No one wants to see beneath the surface, we are superficial and believe that no one is suffering.

When the truth is – we are all suffering in silence.

I knew from the first moment, his eyes a blend of gold and green called to me. My demons danced with his and I thought our connection was otherworldly.

Until I realized that the only thing, he felt from me was stability, knowing that every fucked-up shit he did – I would always come back, I would always stay.

I needed to let go of him.

But I couldn’t.

Four years.

And I still would let him back into my heart.