DISCLAIMER; CONTAINS GRAPHIC SCENES OF SELF HARM, ABUSE, AND ADULT CONTENT.
Prologue
Whenever a story about someone jumping off a bridge because they got into debt, or someone drinking sniper because they were tired of their lives came on the news, I always felt an intense urge to follow up the stories. It wasn't that I derived joy in hearing that people took their own lives, or that I was suicidal and wanted to get tips on how to go about taking my own life, no, it just always stirred my curiosity. Maybe it had something to do with my being a medical student who wanted to become a clinical therapist, or maybe more accurately it had something to do with the fact that I couldn't understand how the decision to stop being a part of the world came easily to people. I've always been an emotionally sensitive person so I was always willing to listen to people's problems and proffer whatever help I could, therefore I understood that life could throw you around, and I understood that a lot of people were moving through life roughly, and I also understood that lives problems could push into so many dimensions, depression and suicidal thoughts included yet I still never understood how people got to the point of solidifying that decision of taking their own lives and going through with it.
I never understood how easy it was to decide that being dead was a better option than being alive until now.
Until this moment where his member is thrusting in and out of me.
This moment where clichély all I can imagine is myself lying in a bath tub surrounded by water, my right hand fixated on a new razor blade and my left forearm rising just a little above the water. I imagine myself looking at my forearm and rubbing my fingers slowly on the superficial veins there. I imagine myself taking in a deep breath and in swift motions, making three long cuts that vomit blood through my open cuts. I imagine myself exhaling whilst gasping and screaming at the same time. I imagine myself seeing the blood run in different directions as if all in a race. I imagine myself getting weaker and softer. I imagine myself slowly sinking lower into the blood coloured water of the tub. I imagine myself giving up, losing weight. I imagine myself pleased to be save from the torture I'm experiencing at the moment. I imagine myself completely submerged in the faux plasma. I imagine myself seeing nothing.
Chapter 1
The best thing about being alive is being alive. Being able to enjoy the life that you probably don't deserve but that is in you. Being able to live everyday in the best way possible. Being able to fight past the ugly and strive to see the beauty in an unruly world. In lesser words, the best thing about being alive is living.
The worst thing about being alive is living. Stealing air under the guise of inhaling but leaving no impact with every exhale. Dreading the mornings because you should do something with your life, and dreading the nights because you'd wish you never wake up but you know you will. Having a beating heart but that's all there is to it, it beats. Performing the characteristics of a living organism, but only because you can't do otherwise. In simpler words, the worst thing about being alive is being living.
If you haven't caught up by now, what I'm saying is that the best and worst parts of being alive are interchangeable, it simply depends on who you ask and if you ask me, I have no motivational words to give. I have no quotes and no posts to show you. I have no hope to give you because although I dare not be ungrateful to God for keeping me alive, being alive sucks, and every day I consider being the opposite more and more. Maybe I'm wrong and there's something I did in a previous lifetime or maybe even as a child, something I don't remember that makes the universe decide this life I live is the life I deserve. Maybe it's just my destiny, maybe I'm one of those simply destined to lead an unhappy life. Or maybe humans are just cruel and selfish, and think only about themselves.
In a world filled with anger and negativity and evil, I was once a happy child, it didn't take long though, before that happiness was sucked out of me.
