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The Devil In Beautiful People

The Devil In Beautiful People




 Born with what the doctors would have diagnosed as a "Split Brain Syndrome" it didn't make it easy for me, especially when it came down to socializing. They said I had failed at the beginning. A detail so bold yet it seemed so easy to forget or was it just hiding a lot of truth within knowing. I never did see myself as a victim, well not until recently that is

If somebody were to ask me to label myself, I'd answer with "They say I'm funny, kind, gifted, etc. I choose not to label myself, that I am a wildflower, the girl in love with forget-me-nots, as I am often forgotten. I am not far from finished but I am also nowhere near done. I would refer to myself as an "Unfinished Artist," I am found standing alone, by myself, in my very own category called Crunique..

Born with what the doctors diagnose me with Split-Brain Syndrome, definitely did not make life any easier. Not to mention I wasn’t able to stem the emotional part of the brain making me emotionless. I will say it didn’t make it easy for people to socialize with me. Unless it piqued my interest.They also may have mentioned that I had failed at the beginning. A detail so Bold yet it seemed so easy to forget or was it just hiding a lot of truth within knowing?.

I never did see myself as a victim, well not until recently that is. Noticing that I am very much a victim. When I was a toddler I was placed into the corrupt system of the ’90s. It was a broken unorganized and highly manipulative system. It had me defined as a system kid and labeled as the *poster child* for being problematic. Only to be neglected by those who preached that they knew better. Silenced and told that I had no idea what I was talking about Told to not speak. As it was considered a problem. Even to this day, it's still a problem.

While I stay silent has now become an issue, as I would get spoken to for not speaking. Being told I was being rude or disrespectful. Not having a say or a voice to what happens in my life truly bothered me. It felt like nobody had given me that chance like I wasn't allowed to. What I considered to be my own emotions, what I knew as my thoughts, they made me feel like I was wrong. I will admit I didn't really make the effort either after a while I just stopped trying.

So maybe the word victim isn't a word I would use lightly, on its own I mean. I can say I've been victimized in more ways than one. It left me as an adult fearful. I became scared of everything. Not realizing it was instinctively drilled into my head. It wasn't healthy! To understand it was traumatic. I was traumatized. I've lived a portion of my life unknown. In all truths, I never really gave a shit, so I didn't even bother to ask questions.I've always just tried to embrace what life threw at me. Quietly accepting what they would say would be wrong with me. As I Տit here, I can only say to myself,

"I probably should have asked."

I have lived a life, my life! I wouldn't change a thing, with the accomplishments I've made. To learn from my mistakes to grow wiser, achieving what many would tell me is either impossible or difficult. Today as I am in my early 30s, also a single mom, I have come to realize that I am left in this state of confusion. Which I will be the first to say is far more terrifying than living a life unknown. To be forced to face reality only to recognize "The Devil in Beautiful People"