"I don't want to be left here, I must prove that I am something."
Insecure, self hate, self doubt, selfish, artificial personality, and abominable critiques. The latter are my traits, my hidden traits. They are completely stuck within me, there's always a spiral circulation of insecurity whenever I see other people succeed. Nonetheless, I hid them, they are at my bunker with firm lock and I throw the key. Somewhere, far from my reality. My family and my classmates will never see my real personality. It's not odd to think that my classmates saw me as passionate, kind, promoting love, and spreading happiness. Most people would feel nauseous but I don't. Most people would rethink twice but I carry the labels. I actually feel great. When the chicks meet the mother chicken, it's alright if they are being stepped aside or if the chicks are awfully following the mother chicken. Maybe that's an odd metaphor but I'd like to convey that, people with high reputation often thinks absurd. In their point of view, It's completely fine if they throw tantrums, irritable attitudes, and irrational statements. Funny thing, it's also alright for the below average person to be the slave of these people who have 'high' reputation. Don't argue with me, I've seen those scenes. I, myself is a witness. I feel great. My real traits would lower my reputation, I don't need that embarrassment.
Suddenly, there's a knock, not just a normal knock. It's a punch knock, it's irritably loud. I heard the creaks of my door.
"Sere, would you mind coming downstairs?!" My brother is carrying his Nintendo switch while asking me to go downstairs.
" How did you manage to pull a punch knock while you're holding your old and malfunctioning Nintendo?"
"It's called technique, I'm way smarter than you, after all." It turns out, that's not right.
"Why is Earth spinning and yet we can't feel it?" This will make him feel unintelligent and conscious about himself, let's keep it that way.
"Because we're humans. "
"Your answer is on north and the answer in on south."
"I don't care, just go downstairs!"
"I will. Give me a minute."
Not true. I can lie on my bed and think about my future achievements, that feels great, I'm satisfied with myself. He went downstairs and told my mother that it will take me a minute to finish my rituals. Other teenagers have posters of their favorite musician or artists on the wall. I have posters but they are not musicians, they are institutes and some of the greatest scientists. I have the logo of Massachusetts Institute of Technology, National Institute of Physics, National Aeronautics Space and Administration, and SpaceX. Also portrait of Albert Einstein and Isaac Newton. I want to be a physicist, someday.
I've seen a lot of dreamers, some are lazy and some aren't. Those lazy dreamers, they are full of metaphorical interpretations about dreams. They just love the image and satisfaction, there's no sacrifices and determination existing. I'm happy because I'm not lazy, my life is easier. I went to the bathroom and I brushed my perfect teeth. I look myself at the mirror and I saw my reflection. "Everything about you is a work of art." What scares me the most is I'm not sure if I'm confident or afraid. Afraid to realize that no one will say optimistic things to me or maybe I'm really confident I'm so full of myself. I fixed my room because I don't need the maximum volume scolding session from my mother. I went downstairs and I saw all of them, their stares are directly on me, as if I'm an unusual criminal that is innocent. I don't need those stares.
"You applied in different AP classes, do you think you can handle all of these?!" I did apply for AP classes because I love learning. My life is aiming for thousands of information, I can't give that up. I applied for AP Physics 1, AP Chemistry, AP World History, and AP Music. I am living in this world with a full functioning brain, I am destined to use everything I have. "Mother, you don't have to worry about that kind of management. I can handle that, I prefer control over self pity and I prefer priorities over leisure." I shut her down and I am grateful that I did.
"Eat your breakfast, your physique is failing." I don't know what's there in physique that a lot of men love. Some have gotten in too much flexes and it looks weird to see those big muscles. Eww. Can't they be a normal person? I do understand that physique has something to do with my physical health, but I still chose to neglect it. "I weighed 50 kilograms and I have a height of 5 feet and 9 inches. Who will argue with those massive numbers?"
"Son, can you see that bamboo stick?" My father, who's infront of me, pointed his second finger to the bamboo stick. The bamboo stick serves as a skeleton for the structure of the Christmas Tree, that's weird. "I do have a 20/20 vision. Therefore, I can confidently say that I can see that bamboo stick" I talk smart, I'm genius.
"Your humor turns out to be annoying." Whatever, brother.
"Once those bamboo stick cracked, I'll replace them with your arm. You're so thin."
"He's sleeping at 2am." Is it a must to constantly say unnecessary statements, brother?
" I'm studying Physics and Math, I must excel. So that MIT will accept me my perfect score in my SATs and ACTs."
"He's not eating vegetables." Just one shot, brother. You're the Loki of my life.
"I disagree. I'm eating green vegetables, I'm so close in being the Hulk of our generation."
" But thinner. "
It's killing my uplifted humor, I rolled my eyes anyway.
I took a sip in my milk and it tastes sweet.
"Who made this milk? I'm not into sweets. Please, next time, do not put a sugar or any carbohydrates on my meal, I might pass out."
"Why? Are you on a suicide mission?" Perhaps, I acquired this unearthly humor from my mother.
"No, those foods aren't my thang."
“What’s your thang?” Hitting you, brother.
“Your mind wouldn’t understand, it will be useless to elaborate.”
I can leave the front seat for my younger brother and father but I'll pull out an intelligent argument if someone tries to put themselves in a chair beside the window. I always capture the scenery of the outside, I steal the memories and sceneries, it feels good. We live in a province, where in there are beaches, active green trees, and serene hum of birds. I love those.
The car engine rumbled up and we are now on our way to welcome the first day of school year. There's nothing exciting about that, I figured out that students are excited about first day of classes because they'll have to brag about themselves during introduction, find new crushes and find new hobbies. There are also other students who loves planning. Plans they love plans, they love to sneak on their future. There would be no thrill if you'll always plan your future. Anyway, all of these perspectives, principles, and beliefs are valid for someone. But, for me it's not, I study people and make judgement. No one will know because no one will dare to penetrate inside of my mind. "Hey, Eres!" A loud and high pitch sound came from behind, I turned around and see that it's my best friend, Angela. She loves my name backwards, I hate her name even if it is in the form of being backwards or not. "I know you're ready for this school year, don't be uptight." I'm not uptight, I just prefer to live with the reality in my mind.
