I just sat on the edge of the bed so nervous my palms were sweating. I knew I had to leave but I just didn't know how. It had taken all my strength to even get here, how could I possibly go on ? So many thoughts ran through my head. It had become so noisy even though it was just me in the room. I just didn't understand how such a relationship had become so toxic. Where had the man I loved gone? Why was it that it took so long for me to realise the man was the devil and not the angel I fell in love with.
Damn it, I was crying again. I needed to pull myself together. As I looked at my face in the mirror it was unrecognizable. Once a pink face now covered in black and blue marks. The shadows under my eyes were a permanent reminder that I hadn't slept well in so long. My brown eyes that were once full of hope just looked empty and sad. I looked at my reflection as if it was a stranger looking back at me, I didn't know how I allowed myself to get to this point. I shook my head in disbelief, pulled my makeup bag closer and rummaged around to find my foundation. It had become a ritual to cover up the night's pain so only I would be privileged to see the hurt.
"Come on Carrie you have this, you got this far just a little further and you'll be free!", I had said this daily yet seemed I was stuck in a loop and long lost the belief in this sentence.
I heard the front door slam and I froze not knowing the mood that was going to enter the room. I knew long ago that I didn't have the strength to fight him anymore and I think he knew as well. Today was different, today he didn't come to find me and I could hear him go into the kitchen and fill up the kettle. I didn't know he was like this at the start he was my hero that outshone everyone else. I didn't see anyone but him and he had only had eyes for me. He couldn't have been a more beautiful man inside and out I just didn't know when all that changed. I was overthinking again, I was thinking of a time that had not existed in a long time. I just finished doing my make up and looked at the stranger in the mirror who didn't look half as bad as before. I had just put all my things away when the bedroom door opened and there he stood.
Such a tall man must be about 6ft dark brown hair and muscular body. He was wearing his dark blue suit and white shirt, he hadn't bothered with a tie today. "Carrie, what are you doing?", David had said.
I didn't realise I was staring, I looked down at the floor as soon as he spoke. I wouldn't dare to make eye contact, I could tell from the twisted smile on his face that he didn't really want me to answer. My heart jumped in my throat, I could feel my pulse racing and my body stiffen as he came close up to me. He again still said nothing but he traced his fingers over my face and cupped my chin. He pulled my face to face him, my eyes stung from the tears that were forming but i blinked them back.
" Carrie", he called my name with a sense of hate in his tone.
I blinked again and took a breath " what can I do for you David", I had said trying to hold the shakes out of every word.
"Carrie, last night wouldn't have happened if you hadn't gone out with Trish you must know that?", he replied.
His stare was cold and I could feel the chill run down my spine. " I know David, I'm sorry I'll stay by your side from now on", I said.
My inner voice was screaming at me, what the fuck Carrie! He beat you black and blue just because you went out with your friend. Why are you apologising!!!. I learnt a long time apologising was the best way to stop further harm to my already fragile body.
David pulled me in and kissed my face, he kissed every bruise and pulled me in for a hug. I didn't dare recoil from his embrace, his smell overpowered me just like he did. He slid his hand up my skirt. I felt the intimate touch and it turned my stomach. I knew I was scared, I knew what was coming but I had long left my body and looked on as if I was a spectator rather than a participant.
I don't know how this existence happened but it had, I must have been a bad person in an old life to have this happen now.
"Carrie" he called my name
He carried on kissing me, his hand now fully cupped my intimate part . He was undoing my blouse with the other hand and slowly moved his head down to kiss my chest. He kept calling my name and I stayed silent. I don't remember when but I was then laying on my back and his body was pressed so hard down on me that I could barely breathe. He pulled my skirt up and thrust himself inside of me. I laid there watching on.
"Carrie, do you feel me? Do you feel me consume you!. I love you so much Carrie. I didn't mean to hurt you last night remember I do it because I love you" he said.
I tried to focus on anything small in the room apart from him. Was this really love? Was this really what it felt like?
I knew he would be finished soon, I knew this was less painful than the other things he had done to me.
I only went for a drink with Trish, she had just come back from Turkey after a year. She was my oldest friend, I had asked for permission to go out, he had said yes and hadn't said there was a problem. If I had chosen to stay home I don't think his rage would have been so bad.
I got in at 10pm so not too late and had one drink!
He was very smooth when I came in, he even asked me how the evening went. I failed to notice his agitation against me, I hadn't seen the perfect trap that he set up for me. I sighed realising my mistake that led to this sweaty exchange of sorry and love.
"Carrie!!!!" He roared.
It pulled me out of my thoughts
" Carrie, feel me, feel my love, it's so strong for you princess. Do you feel I'm sorry to you!" He roared.
I would believe him if it wasn't for the fact this has happened so many times that I lost count.
He must have finished as he had started straightening my skirt and buttoning my blouse. He looked at me with a deep heat that still made me blush. Damn my body and its total disregard for the hurt I felt.
