Hello, my name is Kate Roberts. I am a guy.
Yes bitch, your entire life is a lie. Go kill yourself this instant because I hate my name and you hate your life or you won' be reading books if you had friends! Losers!
Back to me since you seemed overly concerned about my life than your own. I'm a student at Kerlin County High, California. They say everyone has something they are good at, right? I tried searching for that one thing I'm good at but I'm already 15, sleeping in my bed as a high school freshman and I think, I'm still searching what the fuck am I good at?
I've always been a goof. I'm not good at studies, just an average student you have here, not good at sports, forget music, I only like the superior instrument—Violin, and somehow I convinced my parents to buy one for me, but whenever I play it, our neighbors complain that it seems as if someone has died when they hear me playing it. Hey, it's not that bad, is it? Learn to respect talent, old hags! What's left, painting? I just don't know what to say. I completely destroyed the art room the last time I entered it which was a week ago . Now, they have banned me from the art room. Could you believe that they specially made a 'banned' poster with my handmade sketch as the background of that poster? Ridiculous! When I first saw that poster, I looked at my portrait—
"I don't have gap tooth! EVEN THE POSTER ME LOOKS CUTER THAN REAL ME!"
What am I saying? I'm ugly in the poster and in real life.
Pardon, but I'm very loud. Most of my life was spent in shouting, the rest in trying not to die. There's nothing like speaking normally for me.
I tried cooking, but I almost, note that I said almost, burnt the house. . .While cutting apples. See, shit happened, okay? I'm pretty sure I can burn water if I'm told to boil it. Not everyone was born to impress Gordon Ramsay! Some people were there to annoy him because who doesn't like a white chef turning red just at your mere presence?
Bad luck is like a chewed gum God threw on the ground and I somehow rolled all over it. I've been pretty miserable ever since I was born. People just don't leave me alone! I wasn't alone even in my mother's womb—My sister was kicking me all the damn time! Yes! I have a bratty twin sister. Anna fucking Roberts. I am the elder one by the way because apparently she kicked me so many times while we were in the womb that I was dying to come out of that bloody hell. Born with bruises. Anna always acts like she the elder one. I will tell you why but first let me tell you what kind of person she is so that we can strengthen our friendship by having a common object of hatred.
Let's talk about Anna Roberts: 'The Queen'. You must be wondering, what's with that lame title, right? I thought that too, but later found out that people can literally do anything to get that title. It's either fuck or get fucked. I know something's wrong with this generation's head. Yes, I am included. She's perfect because she looks good.
Yep! In this world, all that comes first is looks! Don't deny that! Once a guy got jealous of another good looking guy, Alex of class 1-A, my class, and gave us one hour lecture about inner beauty and shit like that. I have a very annoying habit. Doesn't matter if it gets me in trouble, I will always speak my mind. It's like a sixth sense and I've named it sharp tongue! So I ended up saying "Dude, stop it! You only say that because you're not as hot as Alex!" I just let my tongue do the job, and those hoes won't be looking for me again~
Man, that day, it was the first time I did a sprint from my school to house, with twenty four bulls after me. And I knew, that if I stopped, I would become sauce. One slap and I'm squashed like a mosquito, giving off the saltiest sauce in human history—My blood.
As if life hadn't fucked me enough, Brandon Johnson fucked my sister. Hey! I'm the elder one and I'm still a virgin. Someone look at my marbles!
"Kate! Wake up! Are you mumbling shit in your sleep again?" Anna shouted from outside my room. She has that squeaky hateful voice like me. I hate Anna and because I look like her. So, I hate myself.
We both look the same but I am a boy and she is a girl. It's because of some really rare, gay mutation which I have no interest in because it's gay.
"Call me big brother, Anna!" I got up from my bed and walked inside my bathroom.
"Oh puh-leez Kate! I got the hottest boyfriend ever, while you never even had an average looking girl as your girlfriend, don't you think you've already thrown away the status of a 'big brother'?"
That don't mean shit! So getting fucked makes you age faster? Man, at that rate, Anna, you're going to outdo our parents. And that won't surprise me. Anyways folks, I'm blonde which means chlorine turns my hair green, "Mom! Where's my purple shampoo?!" I shouted with soap in my eyes.
"Anna took it to her bathroom,"
"What the hell?! HOW WILL I SHAMPOO MY HAIR!"
"Don't shampoo today then,"
That is a sin. If you're a blonde, you must shampoo everyday! Fuck it, I'll just put soap and destroy my hair!
Guess what, it turned yellow. Bruh.
I looked into the mirror and began deciding whether to laugh or cry, "HOW CAN A HUMAN POSSIBLY LOOK SO BAD? IT SHOULD BE ILLEGAL TO GO OUT WITH THIS FACE!" I looked at my pimples. Life would be so good without them.
Anyways, my first week at high school and I'm the sun, bitches! Imma blind any jerk that throws their eyes on my yellow head. I sat inside the bus with Anna. School is like ten minutes away by foot but we are rich so we don't believe in moving our feet a lot. I'm a bit chubby thanks to the awesome quality of food and life we have here in the states, and also because I don't like moving. Anna is skinny as fuck because she spends all her pocket money on diet foods.
I'm the kind of person who can eat up the entire Taco Bell and then drink some diet cola over it. As our government says, helth. As you can see, I love memes. I am a self proclaimed certified memer. Mom is trying to slim me down and gives me a breakfast of cucumbers and tomatoes. I fucking hate tomatoes.
We reached school and Anna hugged her boyfriend who was waiting for her at the door. Do you know what I hate more than Anna and Tomatoes? That flattered ass is Brandon Johnson, my sister's boyfriend and the hottest guy in Kerlin County High.
He's is a scholarship student since he aced his entrance exams, he is a regular at the football team, he plays guitar, he even designs things! Above all, he's tall. I am a few inches off of the ground while his blonde head is touching the moon! Yes, he is blonde too, platinum blonde to be precise but he has never heard the words, "You're smart for a blonde," Because nobody wants to get on his bad side or no girl in the school will talk to him.
He has got a slightly better face than the others, just slightly better, and he got the status of the Prince of Kerlin County High, can you believe it? All the girls are always chasing him, they don't care whether he's single or not, they just want a good hit in that pussy!
Sometimes I ask God, "Dude, at least give me something to be proud of. Any talent will do! Just SOMETHING! I know if you can stuff talent in asses like Brandon Johnson, then you can surely give just one good talent to deserving candidates like me!"
"Your talent is. . . Being talent less," Anna laughed at her own lame joke while I walked away from her.
This story is hopeless, I don't know why are you even reading it?
Oh! Let me tell you why. Because bitch I'm so fucking fabulous—I pee glitter, shit cupcakes and fart rainbows!
School ended while I had fallen asleep in the class. I got up. The classroom was empty and everyone had gone home. I walked inside the hallways and heard a laughter from class 1-B. I slowly walked towards it and peeped through the door. Brandon Johnson sat inside with his earphones plugged into his ears and hanging down from his phone. He was applying sunscreen on his face and a mirror was kept before him. He was talking on the phone.
"Yeah," He laughed, "I'll tell her tonight on the phone."
He picked up and lip balm and applied it on his lips. I just stood behind the wall and heard him talk, "Do I need to hide it?"
OH MY GOD, DOES HE HAVE A SECRET KID?! OR AN STD MAYBE THAT HE PASSED TO MY SISTER?!
THIS IS WHY I TOLD HER NOT TO DATE ANY RANDOM GUY, ESPECIALLY PLATINUM BLONDE GUYS NAMED BRANDON JOHNSON!
"Harry," He closed the lipbalm and looked straight into the mirror, "I'll break up with her,"
Shit. Here comes the drama.
-To be continued
