My heart was beating as fast as time passed. It's nine o'clock in the evening and I'm just waiting for Brix, my husband, to arrive. We've been dating since high school, apart from that, our parents also arrange a marriage for me and Brix, they're just very grateful that Brix and I are already in a relationship at that time. When we also went to college, the joy and strength of our relationship remained.
With the consent of our parents, we got married grandly even though we were only twenty years old. I studied carving for four years while Brix also studied Business Management for four years. Our life went well as a couple, I played the role of a good wife to him and so did he until this night came.
"Good evening, baby! I got too busy, I forgot that this day is our second anniversary." I forced a smile and hugged him.
"I-It's okay, I understand." My voice trembled when I said that, for almost a month I thought about everything. I also consulted our parents for the decision I would make.
"Are you all right? Is there a problem?" He asked one after another, I tried to take the expression seriously to let him know what I wanted.
"I need to go to France," I said firmly while looking into his eyes.
"Oh? Do you want me to come with you? Or are they with you, Mom or Shaine?" I slowly closed my eyes at the same time as my tears flowed. I shook a few times and clenched my fist.
"I want to reach my dreams, Brix." The smile on his lips was replaced by bitterness.
"What exactly did you want to do, Francine?" He asked seriously. Every time I mention my dream, he always rejects me but I keep fighting over and over again.
"I want to carve again."
"How many times do we need to discuss this? Don't do it now, Francine. This is our anniversary, I don't want to have a fight with you." When he said that I became even more dedicated, I don't want anyone to stop me anymore from what I want.
"How many times will you stop me from reaching my dreams, Brix? I already make up my mind about this, I forced myself not to continue from doing this decision but no! I really want to do my passion! My dreams! Why can't you give me that? " I saw Nana Solia's reaction, she has been serving us since we left our parent's house and lived as a couple.
"Because I can earn, Francine. It's not enough but too much. You don't have to work as an engraver. I can buy all you want and all you need! You know how much I spent all my time at work just to make sure that I will earn a lot! " I was swallowed up by the volume of his voice. This is what I don't like, every time he does this I gradually get scared and run out of reasons to fight for my side.
"I don't want money, Brix! Yes and you have money, you support and feed me but that's not what I want! You can't take everything! You also said you spend all your time at work. You don't have time for me anymore! " I shouted back at him even though I was already enveloped in fear and nervousness. I knew for myself how angry Brix could be, but my decision was complete. I want to end everything, I want to breathe in this strangling relationship.
"If the time is all you need, I can give you that! J-Just stays with me." He tried to hold my arm but I just avoided myself.
"I don't want to, Brix," I said giving up. It was also tiring, I thought we would be happy for the rest of our lives.
"I thought you love me?"
"I love you ... Bu-But it's not like before, I can't laugh or even smile when you're with me. I can't be thrilled with what you're doing." I was caught in my chest by that pain, I've been hiding the pain for a long time, I just don't want to hurt him but it will indeed come to the point that everything you've collected will explode.
"Ok fine. I'll let you go to France but on one condition and that is, I'm going with you," he said authoritatively.
"No. I want to go there alone, I want to live alone! Let's end this Brix, don't let me regret everything. We're both young, I know you also have missed the fun."
"But I chose you, I chose to stay with you because I love you," he says bitterly.
"I want to choose you too, Brix. I want us to be happy again like before but still-how can we be happy, if I myself can't be happy?" My voice became raspy as my tears continued to flow.
"How can I love you again if I can't love myself?"
"Please don't do this, Francine," he begged to come over and wrap me in his arms.
"Let me love and find myself, Brix. Le-Let me go, let me chase my dreams." I pushed him slowly and waited for his answer.
"Let's rest first, Francine. Let's eat what you prepared." I wiped away my tears and nodded. Nana Solia let us eat quietly, she didn’t get into our quarrel that she always does. We greet each other as we do whenever we celebrate our anniversary.
I feel like I’m not whole, I thought that when I married Brix everything would be happy and comfortable. I thought Brix was just my dream, I gave all my love to the point that there was nothing left for me. I will do it for us, I don't want him to experience this either.
A week passed and here I was, outside the door of our room and waiting for him to let me in. I spent all my remaining days with Brix. We go on dates and usual gatherings that we used to do when we are in high school and college.
"Brix ..." I called his name from outside.
"Open the door, please." I knocked a few more times and half an hour passed before he opened it. I went inside and closed the door, this would be our last conversation. I want to have privacy, I want only the two of us to know what we are talking about.
"Do you really need to do this?" He turned his face away from me so I can't see the expression on his face.
"Yes," I answered bravely.
"Looks like you are too excited and determined to leave me." He clenched his fist and looked directly into my eyes.
"I'm doing this for my dreams and of course, for our own sake. I don't want us to be both struggling in the situation that we have Brix," I explained.
"Once you turn your back, you can't go back into my arms again, Francine." My lips quivered at what he said.
"I thought we already settled this?" I approached him and frowned at him.
"It'll all be all right if you stay by my side, Francine."
"I'll be back, Brix. I promise that I'll be back to you, please wait for me." I said at last and then turned away.
The tears that I had been holding back flowed, I didn't want to show him that my departure had a big impact because this is what I really wanted.
"Be careful there, Francine. I'll take care of your husband. Just make sure you will come back." Nana Solia said as she helped me get my baggage into the taxi. Brix was supposed to take me to the airport but he changed his mind, I can't blame him because it's not easy to let the person you love leave. But not everyone who leaves is unscathed. Sometimes, leaving is the most painful decision and way to save your drowning and toxic relationship.
"Take care of Brix Nana Solia." I reminded her before getting inside the Taxi.
"Don't worry, I'll take care of the señorito. We should worry about you because you're the only one going there." I shook my head and hugged her again before finally getting into the taxi.
"Goodbye, Nana Solia," I said as the car started to move. I looked out the window of Brix's room before finally turning my attention to the road.
My parent supported me on this decision as well as Brix’s parents, they even said sorry to me for taking away my happiness and freedom to explore.
This is it. I said to myself when I just set foot in the country. I love France, this isn’t my first time here because in fact here I got my name, Francine.
Two months ago, I got an opportunity from the sculptor that I admired the most. He wanted me to be one of his sculptors that he persevered with me to go and pursue the dream I had failed to achieve.
