Life is too short to forget that the sun sets every night

　　And as it does, makes theatre.

　　Then a vast array of lights

　　Shuffle into the night stage, when the blue or grey

　　Departs

　　And shines down through our transience,

　　Making our impermanence glow.

　　I wrote the above scenescape whilst in the opera of acute Covid onset in isolation, alone in my apartment. Not a comfortless solitude by any measure, as I am guardian to four feline co-workers who have been by my side and at my side throughout the long days and even longer sleepless nights.

　　Not to let me off the hook the insidious, fickle and dishonest virus decided to continue to colonise my system and 6 months post onset I have been classified nebulously as a long hauler, with frightening and debilitating symptoms. My life has come to a standstill. And I'm privileged in owning the intuitive animal communication gift. My cats are my lifeline and their messages are nurturing and loving.

　　Long Covid hasn't had any press coverage in South Africa where I live. This denial prevents any general public advocacy for the long Hauler, ignorance and denial of the condition is manifest at the cost of the withdrawal of support from close friends.

　　Certain gaslighting by close connections has become imperative and demeaning. I've been kicked to the curb, marginalised by those who've expressed the ways in which I am hypochondria driven, wracked by implausible excuses, guilty of resorting to the seeking of attention.

　　I've taken the blows initially on the chin, then latently absorbing these into my heart. I'm an empath with a high level of sensitivity and am heart driven and emotional.

　　For instance my empathy extends into the response whereby if someone cries I taste salt.

　　Here I am, at the mercy and indignity of a battery of tests ordered by my thoroughly competent physician. In pain with addled brain and CFS. Perhaps I will get answers.

　　Always an independent albeit somewhat eccentric individual with a wealth of creative resources and limitless energy, I am taking my deterioration of capacity quite personally and with more than a modicum of anger at this thief in the night Coronavirus.

　　This is no longer who I am. The despair at my loss of former self is profoundly akin to grief and bereavement. And all attached manifestations indicative of a ravaged spirit. Depression is real, and who wouldn't be blue as a result of the viral fallout?

　　Alone with lap occupied by cats I have endeavoured to reframe this loss in a a potentially upbeat light. I now ask not why is this happening TO me. Instead I'm subscribing to the question of why is this happening FOR me. What's the take home to sustain me through the dark night of the soul?

　　Journalling and painting have taken my clammy hand and led me to something resembling an answer and the centrifugal force of personal transformation.

　　As an empath with a trauma history, I have for most of my life risen to nurturing and caring for those in need. I never emerged as the lead role in my narrative. I left self care to those I considered to have 'everything together:. Did I have a core belief that I was unworthy?

　　I believe that this virus was transmitted and that I needed to navigate my recovery without support so as I could get the basics of self love and self care. Things I denied myself in the past through sheer bloody minded negation of my wellbeing. And I am now paying the price.

　　Now I have incorporated that new awareness I feel like a child again, learning how to walk. The first practice I need to obliterate is a mind shift. My negative, punitive and critical self talk is where I begin, as in, 'let it begin with me'.

　　I'm getting there but a lifetime of self castigation doesn't dissolve overnight. I'm putting in the action and am getting better at reversing my punitive inner critic through consciously becoming the thinker behind my thoughts.

　　My cats' love and support has gone a long way towards demonstrating to me that they love me and look after me because as their human I am more than enough and worthy of compassionate, loving attention. So I take my lead from them,, and as a novice telepathic animal communicator, I'm evolving into a profound attunement process in which we are always in touch.

　　,I have learned that 2020 is the year to let go of people, places and things that no longer serve me. In fact, many of these have exited my life of their own volition. The universe is benevolent in this way.

　　I now make s ceremonial occasion out of making a cup of restorative tea, use my extensive collection of targeted essential oils, buy fresh flowers every week and apply the healing balms to my legs with a new modicum of respect to myself, as an honouring of my body and it's healing.

　　My family, including my 90 year old father have been supportive.

　　My mum passed away from cancer in 2014 and I have just been through the anniversary of her death.

　　Now this hurts. It cuts deep. I miss her especially now that I am ill, and my grief is all consuming at times. And this loss resonates and activates my sadness at all loved ones who have passed.

　　I go and sit by the seaside often, watching the ebb and flow of the tide. This is my point of connection to my world. My mantle view of connection.

　　I will mend. One moment at a time. With the help of those who feed me. And the indulgence of my handmade dark chocolate, the best medication for the dark nights.

　　My tears are a release of all I'm holding onto and a notice of eviction of the toxic entities blocking my neural pathways.

　　I choose hope and healing. Rooted in my love for Gaia and her untapped gifts.

　　These gifts are inside us all.

　　Rude awakening is the catalyst for extracting them. And in turn gratitude and giving back such nourishment becomes natural.

　　Motives, whilst parking the ego need to be visited and revisited.

　　I'm not saying "get it right'. I'm saying do your highest best with love and heartfelt grace.

　　And above all, wear a mask and exercise kindness to all, who like you, are human beings. It's scary being human and vulnerable in the world today. It's about the collective.

　　Celebrate life on earth. And those who occupy the planet. Take care of you and yours.

　　Be brave. Know you are loved.