What is this, Elena?!" he yelled at me while holding my report card. As I'm holding back my tears, I begged him while kneeling on the floor and bowing for his forgiveness. "I'm sorry, Dad. It didn't go as planned but give me a chance, I'll do better.
"This is so simple, Elena! Why can't you do it?!" After he said that, he crumpled my card and threw it on the floor. He walked away and went upstairs, leaving me dumbfounded.
My face was heating up, and my sight became blurry as I felt that droplets of my tears fells to my cheeks. I didn't do anything besides fixing myself as I wipe my tears on the side of my face. Even if I feel weak, I stood up and took my report card on the floor. The traces of his anger were seen on it since it was well crumpled. I stared at it, and I'm questioning myself why did I get these kinds of marks, especially on my history subject.
I know that I did my best to study. I aced all of my quizzes and exams in this whole period. I even recited every class and gave my best when doing my tasks. I have encountered sleepless nights and a lot of cups of coffee just to review every day, but what are these?
I gave all my best, but why?
I just went up to my room, surpassing my sobs. I held a deep breath as I close the door. I could feel like there is something in my heart, and it pains. I took a few deep breathes as I'm sitting on my chair in front of my study table, and massaging my chest where my heart is located to help me calm.
This was the first time I've encountered this scene. In my whole life, I've never disappointed him, especially when it comes to my grades. I'm always inside of this room, stressing all the time just so I can prove that I want to make my parents happy by having high grades and being a topnotcher at my school. I don't want to be competitive, but I need to. It's just my way for my dad to love and be proud of me, even just for a moment.
I stared at the wall, thinking what is the thing that has led me to this kind of situation. I calmed a bit, and it caused me to think much better than I am earlier. I think that clearing my mind, and acknowledging my problem helped me to execute my reaction and feelings. It led me to the question, "What happened?"
Some people are judging me that I'm such a grade-conscious person, and all just I want is high and perfect grades, but they are true, though. I've started to feel this kind of responsibility wherein I need to get an excellent- a perfect report card that I could proudly show to my father since I was a child. I remember when I'm just in my kindergarten days, I only want to play like most of my peers are doing. I'll admit that I didn't focus on the curricular activities, and it directed me traumatizing and regretting what I did.
When my dad saw it, the first thing he did was slap me. He scolded me, and shut me inside our library here in our house, and told me that I should read ten books for me to get out at that place. I was so scared at that time, 'cause there were no lights, but I'm thankful that there was a lamp on the table. As I'm reading, I'm hearing my mom and dad arguing outside, while Felix, my brother, is crying too. I was just five years old when that happened
On that day, I blamed myself. I should have just studied and done better, so we didn't experience that. I don't want to see my mom and my brother cry like that again just for what I did. I don't want anyone to suffer from what I caused, especially the people whom I love the most.
I looked at my reflection in the mirror, and as I'm staring into it, I could see my swollen eyes. "I look so ugly when I'm crying." I wiped my tears again using the handkerchief that I forgot to bring to school earlier this morning.
"You should study, 'cause it will make them happy," I convinced myself as I smile- a fake one, of course. I took all of my books beside my lamp. I blew a loud breath, "Here we go again."
As I'm flipping the 156th page of my history book, my phone in my pocket beeped. I took it, not expecting to be disappointed. It's just a notification from Facebook, saying that one of my mutuals has changed their profile picture. Sighing, I turned it off. I tried to read again, but I can't focus. I groaned, letting out my disappointment in myself for having a short span.
Realizing that I haven't take a bath yet, I stood up and closed my book. I couldn't do anything if I couldn't focus so, maybe I should just take a bath to not waste my time, and of course, it's for my hygiene.
I take off all of my clothes and put them aside. The cold drops of water welcomed my body. As I'm showering, I suddenly thought of him— my brother, my crying shoulder.
"Should I visit him?" I asked myself. Thinking that makes me excited, so as soon as I finished taking my bath, I hurriedly dried myself using a towel, and worn my clothes. I just wore my blue pajamas and a black extra-large shirt. I covered it using my black jacket.
They forbid me to leave the house, so I just went through the window and slowly opened it with ease not trying to make any noise. I climb on it, holding onto the stool to support my weight in going down to get my bike.
After I successfully went down, I secretly took my bike. Luckily, there were no guards at this time. I carefully opened the gate and walked out through it. Thankfully, I didn't get caught, so I hurriedly rode my bike and sneaked out.
As I'm pedaling, I couldn't help but admire the view as the wind flows on my face. I suddenly smiled, because I felt like the evening breeze is hugging me, that's why the heavy burden inside my heart somehow disappeared.
The cool night was tucked under a woolen bird dark sky. I have consistently cherished the breeze, for it comes to me so intensely, contacts my skin. In chilliness, it rouses me to attentiveness, a readiness that allows me to relish the experiences in dryness.
After an estimated 20 minutes ride, I'm now here. I opened the gate, and the surroundings welcomed me by its silence.
"How's everything?" I asked while getting off my bike and put it at the side of the Narra Tree.
I laid out the jacket that I am wearing, on the ground, and rested on it. I looked up in the sky that is full of stars that shines in the dusk. When you go outside around evening time and looked upon it, it appears to be everlasting and constant, but many of the stars we see at night have already died.
Some of us were like a dead star. We can hide what we feel inside our hearts through our bright smiles.
I sighed heavily trying to calm myself. I looked at his grave. It's been a while since he died, but I still can't accept it. If I only knew what he was going through then, this probably wouldn't have happened.
"I miss you so much."
